7 Fake Dave

Usually I don’t name my dates but this guy became Fake Dave and I really can’t think of anything else for him. I was quite poorly on our date, totally run down with a cold and feeling thoroughly miserable, but Dave was persistent and I agreed not to cancel – I was however late!
I arrived and to begin with from a distance seemed ok, then he stood up, he wasn’t exactly short, but it had very short stumpy legs and a weirdly long body topped by the shiniest head and two very sticky out ears, he also had a Scottish accent – urgh.
As we got chatting he seemed nice enough, I knew he had a daughter and that wasn’t too much of an issue for me, but then he starting talking about a lad. I was a bit confused and said so, apparently he doesn’t tell people about his teenage son incase it puts them off, WTF? If its going to put someone off does he not think the daughter will put them off also?! I didn’t like this point but ignored it anyway and we carried on chatting at which point he came out with an all time classic “I don’t like fake girls, you know the sort, dye their hair, eyelashes, fake tan, boobs jobs, tattoos” I laughed so hard at this point because yes I tick every box – I even have semi permanent eyeliner, did he seriously think
my 12mm eyelashes were natural?!
There was absolutely no spark there for me although despite not liking fake girls he was persistent in asking me out for a meal which I
politely declined, although if I’m ever stuck in a field and need a TV
Ariel I’ll give him a call, I’m pretty certain those ears will pick up


iGimp date 3 ish

When I arrived back at the hotel iGimp was in my room and fast asleep across my bed, notice how it’s my room and my bed yet there he was?!
Apparently he told reception he was with me and hey presto they gave the guy a card, I also noticed he had lots of bags in my room.
I woke him up and immediately he seemed annoyed I’d been out and was a little tipsy, now I wasn’t so tipsy to know you don’t wake up quite that quickly and go off on one, had he really been asleep and of course texting half hour before wanting to know where I was?! He was even more annoyed when I asked him why his stuff was in my hotel room, it would appear there had been crossed wires, he assumed I’d booked the room for
us, and on our weekend together I’d spent it with another bloke.
I must admit I was surprised, but I realised how he could have thought
that, plus being a little tipsy I figured I’d just go with the flow and
not argue, I showered and got ready for going out, we called in for
Tapas before going to a bar, which by now was pretty packed – straight
away I could feel myself getting tense, not only was I out in bars and
clubs I was in a strange town with a guy I barely knew and I hated it.
Give iGimp his credit he realised how uncomfortable I was and we went to the bar at the cinema, the quietest place he could think of and had a good chat and a laugh there before heading back to the hotel.

It was quiet clear from how little we’d seen each other previously on
dates and that I really wasn’t going to fit into his lifestyle of drinking and clubbing at weekends, and I certainly was not about to have
some bloke get annoyed at me for spending time with my friends.
We did see each other two more time after that, we went to the cinema to watch Conan the Barbarian followed by Nandos – theres a couple of hours of my life I’ll never get back, although it was the one and only time iGimp put his hand in his pocket and paid for something (Cinema only not the food, and no I didn’t get popcorn at the cinema!)

For our final date we went for a Chinese all you can eat buffet, once
again near Wellingborough, but it was obvious to us both it just
wouldn’t work. I took a few weeks off dating before un-hiding my profile and talking to people again.

7 Pooh bear

Whilst Pooh Bear is an old friend, I’m going to class him as a date for various reasons.
1. He was also internet dating
2. We’d gone out with each other a couple of times at school, it never quite worked out and secretly I was hoping there may still be a spark there.
The plan was I was going to drive to Leicester in the morning, grab a bite to eat with Pooh Bear and just generally catch up and have a laugh, as a recent singleton like myself he was in need of a giggle, he’d also just started internet dating so I was sure there would be a funny story or two we could laugh about over a drink.
All did not go exactly to plan as I’d also arranged to have the new lounge carpet fitting in the morning, so I was already running late, I’d never driven far by myself, and by far I mean I’d driven to Cambridge/Stansted by mistake but that was it.
I used Mums sat nav and whilst 2 hours late I got there, Pooh Bear was waiting so I dumped by bags in the hotel and we hopped and skipped into town – literally I made him skip, he was game and it set the tone for the afternoon. We went for an Italian, I possibly over did the garlic but it didn’t seem a problem – he was a total gentleman and paid. Already it was looking bad for the iGimp.
The afternoon was filled with laughter and joking, until iGimp called and text wanting to know where I was, I explained I was running late due to the carpet but he could wait for me at the hotel, I’d be there when I was there – I hadn’t seen Pooh Bear for 8 years and I was going to make the most of it, we went from pub to pub (ok so about 2 pubs, I’m past a lightweight and more of a feather weight drinker) with me drinking and getting louder by the minute. Pooh Bear works as an embalmer and I had way too many jokes and comments about him touching dead people inappropriately – Just to clarify he doesn’t (or so he says!!).
The best moment had to be when we saw a real life chav, admittedly we were the ones sitting in a Weatherspoons in the middle of the day, but we saw a young girl in her trackie, pushing a pushchair in the middle of the road, JD bag on the pushchair whilst carrying a bottle of whisky and trying to talk to her mobile phone, we can only assume she was calling her hopeless boyfriend as he shortly arrived with his trousers low and pants on show, Pooh Bear was mortified when I leant across pressing myself against the window to get a good photo, apparently I cant be taken anywhere and haven’t changed one bit.

At this point the pub ruined everything by bringing out balloons, I have a major phobia about balloons, they genuinely scare me and I don’t know why – we left in search of another pub, only for me to announce the second we left I needed the loo, instead of walking to the nearest cafĂ©/bar we headed to the shopping centre, I was a little tipsy and giggling way too much at all the sober people trying to finish their shopping – escalators are strangely funny when drunk. Loos were found and we figured I should probably go find iGimp as it was almost 6pm, we said our goodbyes and agreed we’d go out again soon, although he’s constantly cancelled on me since, by constantly I mean


iGimp date 2 ish

So I bet your all wondering how date number 2 went?! Well there were several dates, although most were after he’d finished hockey practice was hot and sweaty and he didn’t pitch up until gone 9pm. We never made it to Wickstead park, instead he would turn up at mine or I’d go see him for a drink near Kettering not getting back until Midnight spending the evening talking about his business which was oh so successful and yet I
had a few niggly doubts about things. For example, if he drove to me I’d provide drinks and food, he lived at home so if I went to him we’d usually meet at the Kettering Business park and have a couple of drinks and a chat, I even had my first ever Nandos – it really isn’t all the iGimp had made it out to be, essentially it’s a glorified KFC and not my idea of a romantic meal. Yet each time we went out we went 50/50 on everything, except for food which was worked out according to what you had. Now I’m happy to pay my own way on the first few dates, I fully agree with the girl paying just as many times as the bloke and yet I completely object to people who work it down the middle exactly. If I buy a round of drinks and everyone’s on cocktails that’s fine, if the next time we get a drink it’s a coffee or even a coke I don’t expect them to then pay for the next 2 rounds until we’ve spent exactly the same amount or to even make up the extra money and give me a refund, but this is exactly how tight Mr ‘Look at me I’m a fabulous iGimp’ was. I was also shattered not getting home until midnight the evenings I saw him and yet he thought it ok to turn up at mine gone 9pm say he was tired and leave at 10pm. Weekends he was out clubbing with his mates, so
we really just saw each other one evening a week. Yet he seemed a great laugh when we were together, so I figured I should at least give the
whole clubbing scene a go again to see if it was worth spending more
time with him. I booked a night in a hotel in Leicester and we were
going to go out for drinks, I like to think he knew how big a thing this
was for me, having not been in a club since my 21st birthday and even then I only lasted 20 minutes and made my excuses to leave as to be perfectly honest, hot drunk sweaty people just don’t do it for me.

When planning my night out in Leicester I realised my mate Pooh Bear from school lived near there so figured I should put the two together, catch up with Pooh Bear whilst iGimp was at hockey in the day and meet iGimp later in the evening – a day of gossip and laughter is always a good thing.

6 iGimp

iGimp was an amusing date that very nearly didn’t happen, mainly because he gave me the wrong number, I ended up messaging some poor girl who after I apologised for texting her by mistake pronounced iGimp was
clearly a kn*b, he also has an iPhone which lets face it says
everything. One of those who only has an iPhone because he thinks it
makes him look cool, well it doesn’t, it makes you look like a Gimp.

The date was arranged for the Thursday, but I must say considering the horrendous experience on the Tuesday evening I really wasn’t too sure if I wanted to drive to Oundle to see a guy who couldn’t even type his own telephone message. I think I only went in the aid of getting back on the horse, If I cancelled this date because of the previous one, how many others would get cancelled…
I can tell you now you’ll be bitterly disappointed because he was a
normal person, we had a really great night, way too many cokes, twirly straws and the awesome magical second date was organised, not just a second but a third too – he clearly saw the special in me.

Amusing points of the night:
I drove into a curb, luckily no scratches this time the car just went
I broke the toilet seat in the pub, I’m not really sure how. I just sat
on it and the whole world moved…
My twirly straws were stolen, the pub had THE most excellent
Collection of coloured straws, all twisty like and I was determined to
work my way through every colour of them. Had the bar staff not had
ninja skills and swiped my glass the second it was empty the straws
would have made it into my handbag, glass stealing is so last year!

So obviously you haven’t missed my comment about the second AND third date!! My diary being what it is (she jokes making out she has a life) for a second date he suggested Wickstead park, possibly to appeal to my inner child and because he’s lazy and its close to his home! My next available Saturday was the 3rd September so we’ve planned to also see
each other the next Thursday as well.

One of my favourite things about IGimp was his intrest in my writing
about my dating experiences – I haven’t told many dates about this,
obviously who wants to know their date is writing all about them, but
IGimp appeared to have a sense of humour, he wanted to see a copy of the report before it went out and also agreed with the about of people at work asking him how it went, having one centralised report was very sensible. Therefore we swapped reports, for the first time ever here is what my date thought of me!

“We met got out of the car at the same time, which is always a good
start, and she bought the first round in RESULT. The word use, awesome made several appearances which was cool. Slight concerns that she may be
looking for a chauffer as her driving skills aren’t up to scratch.
However she has just passed her test so in time she will be an amazing driver. One of the highlights of the evening was Littlemisssuperwomans’s inquisitive
nature on how straws were
made curly, after the explanation, her eyes did light up with Glee… Oh
yeah Glee…. Enough said.. She has a great smile with nice eyes to
complement. Oh and she also a HTC Wannabe, I guess that make her unique, I wont hold that against her. Looking forward to Date number 2”

5 Cock man

So after a date with the Benefits looser last Thursday my Tuesday date was a guy who used the motto ‘don’t judge a book by the cover’ he was of the opinion because he looked good people often thought there wasn’t much else too him. Personally I thought he looked like he loved himself and needed to use less hair gel, upon meeting I also decided he needed less aftershave – however he worked doing car body work and my car still hadn’t been fixed so I figured I could look past his so called ‘good looks’.
In his case however his personality was exactly like his look, arrogant
and self loving. We shared a truly exciting coke, at the cuckoo again
and he told me all about his ex and how stupid she was for leaving him.
That girl needs her head checking, not because she dumped him but
because she stayed with him in the first place, still even if he had
been a nice guy talking ALL night about an ex is a no no, by all night I
mean over one drink because after that one I left, again he walked me to my car.
This was when things got interesting – he leant in for a peck on the cheek, which is acceptable I can cope with that, what I cant cope with is him then taking my hand and placing it on his cock (through his trousers). No man should be that excited after just one peck on the cheek. I grabbed my hand back jumped in the car, locked the doors and drove away as quick as I could. This was my first truly horrible experience of a date and it wasn’t until I left I realised how bad it could have been. Not only were my hands thoroughly washed when I got
home but I took some dettol wipes to the steering wheel too.
I will always make a joke out of these things, so please no comments about any girls who have had serious problems on a date, I like the bubble I live in and would prefer not to think about what could happen – but I would like it if the lads at work would stop asking me to the car park with a wink. Please?!
Oh and I’ve also decided no first date can be at the cuckoo, I’ve had 3 there now and all were rubbish.

4 Benefits looser

My next date was with a lanky piece of piss, and I’ve got to say I
haven’t a single nice word to say about him – he came across nice enough online and by this point I decided chatting to guys for ages is
pointless – lets face it if they are going to be freaks I want to know
straight away and not in a month or threes time so we met within the
first 2 weeks of talking.
He liked football was in the RAF and appeared a typical bloke. The only
downside was he worked in the same building as my Dad. I asked my Dad about him, he did some digging and came back that he was a bit of a wet leaf – admittedly Dad said this AFTER the date, brilliant timing as always Dad.
So we met at the Cuckoo – the same pub I’d met the lazy eyed hobbit and sat in the garden attempting to make conversation and failing miserably.
At this point I had nothing against the guy except he was skinny, had
bad teeth and an annoying accent, I just realised his life revolved
around work, football and cricket yet he failed to be one of the guys
because unsurprisingly even the guys found him boring and he thought them stupid. Yes he did actually say this. It got better though when I made my excuses and said about leaving, he
seemed unsurprised I didn’t want another drink and walked me to my car at which point he said and I quote “Wow that’s a nice car for a single Mum, Benefits must pay well” without batting an eyelid I said “Oh no, its not benefits, my boss thinks Im really good at giving head and bought it for me”
Enough said – the guys a looser.
By the way, Im not saying I am or am not good enough at giving head to justify a car but my boss is a little ick, happily married and I blummin well paid for that car like everything else I own so no I did not give head to get a car, but the look on his face was priceless….especially as he works with my Dad….and my Dad found out. HAHA