Well the first 2 policemen didn’t work out, and yes I’m ignoring the weird one I didn’t actually meet. Third time lucky right?! So this guy, totally confident -convinced I will fancy him and I’m ashamed to say his cockiness actually attracted me a little He commuted into Peterborough for work so at the end of his shift I met him at the train station and we had a coffee, he looked older than he claimed and he was a smoker, something else he failed to mention, he also looked like crap. Not because he was ugly but because he hadn’t shaved and look dog tired, He didn’t appreciate me saying he looked more like a drunken security guard as he was quick to get his badge out and prove he was a policeman. Talking to he was alright, and who knows, when he hasn’t done a 12 hour night shift may not usually look that bad so I agreed to a second date, he had a week off work so he was going to let me know what worked for him when he was back to work. Then the texting started. What is it with policemen and texting? They certainly weren’t nice how are you texts but filthy texts that I slap a boyfriend for sending let alone a bloke I met once. I told him this and refused to see him again.
Many people will take the hint, but not this guy – but I’ve realised that’s because Policemen are split into two camps, the really truly lovely guys…I’m only basing this on one person I know who is nice but also a policeman (and yes, he’s taken) or they are utter knobs. Policeman 3 is an utter knob, texts aren’t enough for this guy, oh no he turned up on my doorstep. He handed me a note and asked him to call him whilst staring at the man in my living room – on the note was his phone number. The man in my living room was the kids Dad and I’ve got to say it was the one and only time I’ll ever be grateful he’s still around. I phoned Policeman 3 and in a slightly grumpy way told him never to come near me again, I hadn’t given this guy my address and I had no problem reporting him, my policeman friend didn’t know who he was and thankfully I didn’t hear anymore from Policeman 3.
Date two with the scientist – I remember a lot more from this date, he lives in Wisbech and as he’d come over to Peterborough the first time I went over to his town, got to say, it’s a dump. No phone signal so the first part where I had no idea where he was parked was a bit tricky, I actually had to find and use a payphone (they do still exist, especially in holes like Wisbech) I left him an answer phone message saying where I was and calling him a knob, he didn’t see the funny side. I saw him approach the car and he climbed in, he looked alright and directed me to a restaurant. I asked if his car would be ok wherever he left it to find out he doesn’t have a car or even drive. That’s a big no no, especially when there is a distance between where you live. The food was alright, he didn’t offer to pay and at the end he suggested we go bowling, brilliant I thought, now is the time to see if he has a sense of humour. On the way to the alley we drove down a very dark lane, the sort that muggers would direct you down. I commented on this very fact for him to say, yeah my ex thought the same…this was possibly the third time he mentioned the ex and this time there was no shutting him up, in fact the only time he wasn’t talking about his ex he was talking about his house mate ad all the fun things they get up to, getting lost when drunk at BBQ’s and having really long walks, falling over, finding dead animals – one time it was a road kill cat and he wondered how long it had been dead for so touched it to see if it was hard before picking up and throwing at his house mate. Charming. I went to drop him home and he asked me to stop on a main road and he’d walk the rest, not because the date had got so bad he needed to escape or because my driving was so bad his life was in danger, but because his house mate was his ex. He got out; I locked the doors and have never been back to Wisbech since. Sick fuckers.
As you may know by now I have a weird sense of humour, so when a guy spends half his day sending my sick jokes it makes me laugh, it almost becomes a competition to see who can cross the line first. Thursdays date was based in a nearby town so we met midway at a new pub that had just opened, within seconds of meeting I just knew there was no spark and regardless of how funny this guy was absolutely nothing would ever happen and it wasn’t all because of the massive cold sore on his top lip, unfortunately for him he wasn’t even funny in real life. I’m pretty certain someone else was texting for him because the guy I met couldn’t see the funny in anything; the highlight was seeing someone who looked just like my mate Ady, and exact double, but an older double. It was weird and I couldn’t take my eyes off the old Ady. By old though I mean he looked 40ish but still it was spooky and I needed to get a photo to send Ady, Cold sore looked unamused as I casually pointed my phone camera and zoomed in as much as I could, I got one photo but it just wasn’t clear, and Cold sore wouldn’t lend me his phone to take a picture either, it was around then my drink was drunk quite quickly and I decided to make my escape, we did the usual walk to the car and say goodbye, most of the time you’d expect someone to ask if they were going to see you again, not this guy, he just leant in for a kiss. I squeaked, I actually stepped back in panic and squeaked – the poor guy looked so confused I had to point to his lip and say it wasn’t a good idea, this made him look less confused but he then asked if he would see me again. When I said no I was sure the Cold sore on his lip got angry and put a curse one me.
After a few months off dating….ok weeks….yeah ok so after a few days after the break up with Mr Convenient I was back online dating – Headline, not looking for a Dad! I lined up 2 dates for the first week of singledomness the first guy was my preferred choice so he got the Tuesday slot, but depressingly I don’t remember a huge amount about him. We went for a drink in a local pub, had a laugh and organised a second date, he used to be in the army, didn’t like telling people where he worked (I assumed he was a Spy) and we agreed to a second date -the very fact he didn’t have a nickname shows there was nothing overly weird, wonderful or freaky abut the guy, the week followed with lots of texts and I found out he worked at Huntingdon Life Science, to me that’s not too bad, they test purely on medicines and not cosmetics, I still think testing should be done on known criminals but this is a dating blog not my political views so moving on, it did give me a nickname and he was the Scientist.
It was at this point I actually started writing my blog, New Year 2011. When I started writing I wanted to have enough material n reserves so if I had a busy week wouldn’t need to find time to write, I could just pull up some material and put it up. You may also have noticed if you look at the dates between all my blogs and see months and months have passed since I last posted anything, March 17th to be exact. Today is New Years day, Almost 1 year ago I started writing my blog, determined this year I would be a world famous author and first posted to the world in February, By March however I got a little bored as you do with most new year resolutions, mind did last a little over 5 weeks but I’d been seeing ‘What about’ and writing about dates with other men whilst getting to know him seemed weird and so I stopped. Last night however (New Years Eve) I got a text from iGimp, to be clear this wasn’t a ‘hey, how you doin?’ type of text but the boring generic Hope you have a great year bollocks that you send to everyone in your phonebook. Luckily he’d signed his name, his number had been long deleted and I didn’t need to reply to him with the generic, Yeah I don’t know who you are but same mate crap. Anyway I digress, the point is his text made me think about my blog, my last years New Years Resolution to become a famous author and I realised I’d failed. Whilst becoming an Author would be brilliant I don’t think I want it to be this blog – imagine actually having to share with family and future partners family your full dating history, nope, in my anonymous little bubble where only a few friends know this is me and random strangers who come across it that’s good enough, but I don’t like that it isn’t finished. Today however I will finish my blog or my story because really this is my story of internet dating and how it turned out for me. I’ll continue with an update on all my dates then maybe fill you in on what’s happened since March when I last posted and was seeing ‘What about’
So things were getting good, I’d got the puppy, I was allowed to cat sit regularly and I didn’t have to bother going on millions of dates anymore. I introduced Mr Convenient to my friends during a BBQ, the kids ran around for a whole 10 minutes before being put to bed so there was no awkwardness there and then I met his work colleagues just before Christmas, every year their boss takes them to The George in Stamford. Small tip, the George is amazing; you absolutely must go but make sure someone else is paying. We also ended up spending Christmas and New Year together; I should point out though we had only been together 9 weeks at this point. Christmas and New Year was in no way a declaration of our undying love for each other. It was the kids Dads turn to have them for Christmas and my Mum was at her sisters with no room for me, His Mum had married someone from Thailand or something or other and went over to visit him every holiday (she was a teacher) until he got his Visa to move over to the UK – so we were both rather pathetic and alone for both, we decided to be pathetic and alone together.
New Years Eve was certainly awkward, 2 of his mates come over who were absolutely lovely, really nice people and actually I still have them on my Facebook friends although I doubt I’ll ever see them again. The next day we had the hangover from hell, I also had 2 kids wide awake screaming for attention and super excited because someone new was there to talk to, oh and a puppy – also super excited. We all went for a walk, we walked and walked and in the end probably did a good 5 miles. Kids were still wide awake screaming for attention, the puppy was still super excited and not only were we all sick from the hangover but a little sick of each other. We got back, had some food and agreed they should all be sober enough to drive home. The week after was miserable, both Mr Convenient and I had stayed together over Christmas so we weren’t alone but neither of us wanted a New Year with someone only with us because it was convenient, he also announced he wasn’t ready to be a Dad, best line to dump someone with ever. It’s not you, its me, I’m not ready to be a Dad…to your kids, who I’ve seen twice, and I knew about before I met you, and who have a Dad and don’t need a Dad replacement! We went our separate ways; I really missed Desmond the cat though.
It went really well for a few weeks, it was my birthday within a fortnight of meeting and I was really surprised when he bought me a present, admittedly it was 2 DVD’s and they were hardly girly or romantic, in fact they are out an out insulting, Brass Eye which I’ve only watched once and out of the entire serious the only bit that made me chuckle is Bad Aids (as opposed to the Good Aids) the other DVD to this day is still in its wrapper, Jam. Actually…for sale, brand new DVD in wrapper only £3!!!
Mr Convenient had one really great feature. Desmond, the most amazing Ginger Tom cat in the world, as you know from the Cat Killer I lost my beloved Dulchie and had no idea how much I missed him until I Desmond sat on weekends Mr Convenient went away or was working late, to the point that I could cope no longer with being pet-less and went to the local rescue. I didn’t get a cat however; I’d grown up around dogs and figured the best pet now my 2 kids were getting bigger was a dog. I got Pickle, the worst puppy in the world. Full of fleas, had no jabs, kennel cough and diarrhoea her donation and vet bills amounted to more than a pedigree puppy, but for my money I got a Labrador crossed with a Lurcher, or so I thought! As Pickle got bigger it was clear she had Staffie in her, quite a lot of Staffie actually and according to the vet a little bit of collie also, she chewed like a lab, jumped like a Staffie and given half the chance would run away like a Lurcher, she also managed to kill the pet rabbit within 2 weeks of arriving.
Note to everyone, if you cat sit and your friend has an amazing cat do not go out and buy a puppy.